Getting To Know Me
Gordon Kirkland
Before I write too much for WG2E, it might be an idea if you all got to know me a bit, so you can decide whether you want to read my future postings. I’m sure some of you, when you read that I was going to write a column here said, “Who the heck is that?” or some form of that question.
Well, here goes:
I was born in Toronto, Ontario, Canada way back when the Earth was first cooling during those heady days archeologists now refer to as the early 1950’s. I first started doing comedy in folk clubs and coffeehouses in the late 60’s and early 70’s, opening for musicians who later moved on to have quite successful careers.
I left high school wanting to be a writer, thanks largely to an incredible English teacher, Pat Cole. Pat and I remained friends until her much too early passing a few years ago. I studied at York university under some of the greatest minds in Canadian literature of the times, including Irving Layton, Margaret Atwood, Leonard Cohen, Mordecai Richler and others. (If any of them are unknown to you, Google them. It will be worth it.)
Life has a way of stepping between you and your dreams. While I wanted to be a writer, I also enjoyed the idea of having food to eat and a roof over my head. I joined the public service, and had a number of exciting jobs writing things like catalogue descriptions of electronic resistors for government procurement catalogues and working on the written materials for Canada’s conversion to the metric system. I did have a lot of fun writing the replies to letters of complaint sent to then Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, and credit that experience with teaching me how to write fiction.
After leaving government for the private sector, and the freezing winters of Ottawa, Ontario for the West Coast, I wrote marketing and strategic plans for businesses. I also wrote the first five in what was supposed to be 35 books with exciting titles like A Guide To Canada’s Aquaculture Industry Potential in Malaysia. They weren’t real page turners, but they do make good door stops.
On August 3, 1990, I was on my way to play golf, when another driver, who was trying to find a cassette tape on the floor of his car, drove into the back of my car. I sustained a serious spinal cord injury and numerous broken bones. I spent most of the next four years in rehab hospitals, trying to learn how to use what remained of my leg function to “walk” again using crutches clipped to my forearms. It ended my career writing those exciting international trade books.
One day in 1994, my wife suggested that since I always wanted to write, that this might be an opportunity for me to start writing what I wanted to, instead of what other people were willing to pay to have me write for them. During the years that I was in a wheelchair before learning to “walk” again with crutches clipped to my arms, I often thought about writing a book and calling it Laughing At Life From Fart Height. (Picture yourself sitting down in a line-up at the bank or grocery store and you’ll get the reference.) I’ve never completed that book, but the mock-up of the cover art was spectacular. Maybe someday…
We were early adopters of the internet. I had a very slow modem in my computer, and I used it to connect with some of the early chat forums. I didn’t go on any of those ‘sex on the computer’ chats, because it sounded pretty uncomfortable, and my balance wasn’t very good anymore. A man asked me what I did to keep occupied and I told him I was writing some short humor essays, but that I didn’t really know what to do with them. He asked me to send him some. When I asked him why, he told me he was the editor of a newspaper on the other side of the country. That was the birth of a syndicated column that ran in both Canadian and American newspapers until 2007.
I will tell you the story of how the stories that got their start in the column became books in another posting later. It’s an essay on its own!
My first book, Justice Is Blind – And Her Dog Just Peed In My Cornflakes came out in 1999, and received Canada’s Stephen Leacock Award of Merit for Humour in 2000.
My second (and last) traditionally published book, Never Stand Behind A Loaded Horse was released in 2004. It also received the Leacock Award of Merit.
I realized that I could not afford to wait five years between books. In the minds of many publishers I moved over into the dark side in 2005 and released my first indie book, When My Mind Wanders It Brings Back Souvenirs. Despite warnings that I would destroy my career and be shunned by the industry, it became my third book to win the Leacock, and remains a very strong seller. It is currently in the top 5 on the Kindle Parenting and Family Humor Best Sellers List.
By being independent, I was free to publish a new book each year. In 2006 I released I Think I’m Having One Of Those Decades, and in 2007 I followed it with I May Be Big But I Didn’t Cause That Solar Eclipse.
In 2007, I was “kidnapped” and locked in a big-box bookstore in Edmonton, Alberta for 72 hours. My “ransom” was to write a complete first draft of a novel in those 3 days. The whole thing was done under the 24-hour a day watchful eye of a TV crew, and it became a TV series in Canada in 2009, called The 3-Day Novel. It still runs regularly in reruns on BookTelevision, which is our equivalent of BookTV in the USA. During the taping I wrote the first draft of Crossbow, my dark-comedy mystery. (Think Fargo without a wood chipper!)
That gave me the bug to write novels. My good friend and NYT best-seller Ridley Pearson had first encouraged me to write a novel back in 1999, right after my first collection of humor essays came out. Our mutual friend, Dave Barry had just had success with his first novel, Big Trouble.
I did produce one more collection of short essays in 2009. Holly Jolly Frivolity came from many of the columns I wrote during the holiday season. It also contains several of my modernized holiday songs, such as We 3 Dads Of Teenagers Are, and Duck Here Comes The Holiday Season Fa La La La La, La La La La. The book was tied to a stage show I did with the same name.
The Plight Before Christmas came out in September. It is a novel that based on a movie concept I wrote a couple of years ago, and decided to shelve until after a book version was completed.
Throughout this time I spoke at roughly 40 different writer’s conferences, workshops, festivals and university programs. I was the first Canadian on the faculty of the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop where I served from 2004-2008, and have been on the faculty of the Southern California Writer’s Conference six times.
I have mentored dozens of emerging writers, and developed close friendships with many of the stars of the business. I see writing this column for WG2E as a way of continuing to mentor, just not directly. My time constraints have grown significantly since achieving best seller status, and I cannot afford the time to go to as many conferences, or have lengthy one-on-one conversations.
Someone recently asked me how and when I knew that I was successful. I suppose I could have cited book sales figures or some other reason, but in thinking about it the answer was quite clear. In actual fact, it’s one of the downsides of success. It was when I got my first stalker. A few people have joked about applying for the job as my stalker, but two in particular were no joke. One of them makes Kathy Bates look quite normal in Misery. As a result of them, I cannot put my office address on my business card or letterhead, and I have had to make all of my phone numbers unlisted. The company that handles my email accounts automatically deletes any emails coming from their addresses.
So that is my pedigree as an author. I’ve managed to build a fairly strong platform and am now able to reap the rewards of that. As I told someone the other day, it’s only taken me almost 18 years to become an overnight success.
Read Gordon’s latest book, The Plight Before Christmas, available from Amazon..which broke into both Amazon’s Top 100 and Movers & Shakers this past week…
Gordon Kirkland has been called ‘one of North America’s premier humorists.’ BookExpo-America named him one of the 7 Book Industry Characters in 2007. He has received the Leacock Award of Merit for three of his seven books. He is a frequent speaker and workshop leader at writers’ conferences, festivals and university programs in Canada and the United States. He was a member of the cast of the 3-Day Novel television series, which aired on BookTelevision in the Fall of 2009. He lives in near Vancouver, British Columbia. Visit the Gordon Kirkland website at www.gordonkirkland.com.
Wow, what an inspiring story! And it just goes to show that everything happens for a reason, and you can make something fantastic happen out of a bad situation. Massive congrats to you
Thanks. Sibel. Some days I’m not sure what that reason might be!
Welcome to your new team here at The WG2E, Gordon!
We’re just over the moon to have you with us!!! We’ve got sooo much to learn from each other and sooo many experiences to share!
Congrats on all your superfab successes, and we can’t wait to see where all you go next!!!
Happy Holidays, my friend…and again, Welcome to our WG2E Team!
DeeDee, you’ve gathered a great community around you hear, and I’m just glad you let me in to join the fun!
Hi, Gordon. You have a very inspiring story and I love how your humor has gotten you past the tragedy to turn the situation into a positive. Congratulations on all your success. You are setting it on fire.
Thanks, Tonya. I enjoyed your piece yestarday, but I read it so late I was afraid if I typed a comment it would look like, “sedjfhdfgh dhjgid dfgdf werfnd.”
Gordon, you’re a delight!
Thanks, Ruth. I think I’ll show this comment to my wife. “Hey dear, look at this. I’m “a delight.”
That remnds me of all the “a pleasure to have in class” comments I got on my report card in elementary school… or “teacher’s dream” *giggles* :}
Enjoyed finding out more about you Gordon. You have quite a versatile background. I too had an incredible high school Creative Writing teacher who encouraged me, along with my father. Funny how we remember things like that.
Having endured my own physical challenges over the past six years or so I have found eventually you have to use humor to overcome situation or you’ll become bitter. It shows in your book titles. They crack me up! And I can so relate to Laughing at Life From Fart Height! You need to complete it.
So keep on doin’ what you’re doin’ and I look forward to your future posts.
My mother was encouraging but my father…. not so much. In fact When My Mind Wanders It Brings Back Souvenirs is dedicated to “the memory of my parents, my mother who would be so proud, and my father who would be so surprised.”
Unfortunately my mother passed away when I was in high school, but I think she would be proud. Funny thing about my dad? Unbeknownst to me he continually told a couple of my siblings and a few close friends that I was good at it and he was happy to see I was pursuing it as a ‘career’! Unfortunately I didn’t know this until after he passed.
Disabilities? People still don’t get it. I had (and still do) friends, etc. who don’t understand job wise I am severely limited. I can’t stand for extended periods of time or walk a lot/great distances. I blow them off now.
You must have a great editor because I’ve tried to sneak in some humor or aka “sass” in some of my writing and it gets red lined every time! One piece in particular so I just put it away for now. I felt it was vital to the character’s persona! Anyway thanks for sharing!
I had an English teacher whom I really liked at secondary school. I agree, it is good that your humour stayed in place when bad things happened to you. And you made something good out of it. I was made redundant last year, and have now got more time to write and make this a career for me. Being Indie and electronically.
Show the people that said you were redundant that you are anything but. Loosing a career can be devastating or freeing (sometimes a bit of both.) One of the things that drove me through the early days after the accident, was wanting to get back to my job. I found out that wasn’t going to happen when I was invited to a reception for former employees of the firm. Until that arrived I didn’t know I was a former employee!
Wow, Gordon, you have blown my mind. I didn’t think that was even possible before 9 a.m. Best of luck to you, and I look forward to reading more from you! XOXO
I blow my doctor’s mind as often as possible. He’s afraid to do some tests on me anymore because of what I might say to get him laughing. For example, during a prostate exam, I said, “Hey. Now I know how Kermit the Frog always feels!”
Looking forward to reading your words of wisdom, Gordon! Welcome!
My wife has been hoping I’d have words of wisdom at some point. After 38 years of marriage, I think she’s pretty much used to my words of stupidity. After all, as a husband I know that if I speak in a forest with no one there to hear me, I will still be wrong.
I hear you, buddy. 41 years here.
Hilarious, Gordon! Nice to meet you. You’ll be a welcome edition, I’m sure.
LOL! My editors will tell you that I am not a “welcome edition!” They hate it when I dangle participles, but I say that dangling your participle is just fine as long as it’s between consenting adults. I’m sure that I often make them feel like they have “up with all they are willing to put.”
OK. Now I have a question for you all. Some of you have real pictures besides your post, and I have a ghost that looks like it needs to shut its pie hole. How do I change that, or did DeeDee deliberately make me look like a ghost that needs to shut its pie hole?
Oh Oh they just told me how… erm a week ago… *giggles* Now I’ve forgotten….
No wait I remember: http://en.gravatar.com/
You go there and give yourself a golbal avatar and give it a day to start working. :}
OMG!!! I jut spit coffee at my screen…”a ghost that needs to shut its pie hole”…LMAO!!!
And yep, Gravatar it is! Well done, Cathryn!
Wow… studied under Margaret Atwood? *teenage eeys of aweness (which is probably kind of weird coming from a 34 year old, though she does look 25 according to the dentist…)* Okay I will say my eyes bugged a bit when you said that. Her’s was the one name I regognized from your list. I”ll have to look up the others if I can manage to remember.
Anyway, I’m creatinly looking forward to what ever mentoring you will be sharing. As someone getting ready to take that giant step from writing as a hobby to writing as a second career, I need all the mentoring I can get!
:} Cathryn
That was so long ago that Margaret was still writing books of poetry at the time. The early 1970′s saw a resurgence of interest in poetry in Canada. Most of my poetry tends to begin with “There once was a man from Nantucket…” I firmly believe that there are two kinds of poetry: Good poetry and most poetry. Atwood. Michael Ondaatje, Irving Layton, Dennis Lee, Al Purdy, and Leonard Cohen all fit in the first category of Canadian poets from that time. Some (Atwood, Ondaatje, etc.) switched to novels.
Okay I’m laughing so hard I can barely type… But I grew up on Cape Cod… so I know very well that poem you’re talking about… *giggle fits*
{: For those who don’t know New Engalnd well, Nantucket is an island off Cape Cod, that spit of land that sticks our from Massachussette like an arm. I grew up in the middle of the bycep. :}
I just luuuvvv your caricature, Gordon…and with the Santa hat…well now…that’s just over-the-top awesome sauce!!!
Oh what a welcome addition you are! I’m still giggling at your title “Justice is Blind – And her Dog Peed in my Cornflakes” If one of your titles makes me cry with laughter I’m gonna have to get my hands on your books. Also I have two “loaded horses” and have had many near misses while cleaning out hooves over the years LOL!!!
Your story is very inspirational, thanks for sharing
People don’t soon forget my titles. It’s a trick I learned from the late Lewis Grizzard, who wrote When My Love Returns From The Ladies’ Room Will I Be To Old To Care.
And: “Shoot Low, Boys, they might be riding Ponies”
Or something similar.
I’ve got to tell y’all, I’m treating myself today to a day in my reading chair with my Kindle…and I’ve just started Gordon’s THE PLIGHT EBFORE CHRISTMAS.
Wow! This is just incredible!!! It’s got that perfect blend of heart and humor!
Brilliant work, Gordon!
I’ve linked to it in the post today above…but here it is again:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Plight-Before-Christmas-ebook/dp/B005P3GLZ0/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1324054558&sr=1-1
Treat yourself to this wonderful holiday read!
Hi Gordon … I’m not sure if you’ll remember me but we met several years ago thru the Eclectics.com site where, for a time, I helped with the overflow of web design. I’m so happy to hear about your success and welcome to WG2EP. Since I love humour, I’m looking forward to checking out your books.
Nice to see you again Sheila.
Gordon, thank you so much for sharing your story with us — how inspirational! I’m so happy you’ve joined WG2E and I look forward to learning more about you and your experiences!
Thanks, Talli. Some experiences are good, some are bad, but they all give us something to write about.
How exciting to be able to read Gordon Kirkland humor regularly right here on WG2E. Welcome, Mr. Kirkland! I’m a long-time fan.
That’s great, Anne! That reminds me you can join the fan site on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Gordon-Kirkland/56688189161, updates, information, and unscheduled oddities.
It wore me out just reading about your exciting career.
Possibly the most intriguing aspect (to me) of what you revealed here is that 3-day novel business in a box-store, under the eye of the camera.
Don’t think I could do that for more than one hour … if even that much.
But if they did get me on film for any length of time, they’d learn that I scratch my head, pick my nose, yawn a lot, squirm in my chair, and get up and down for coffee and bathroom.
The viewing audience would surely NOT be enthralled.
They gave us beds in a back room. Unfortunately, they were IKEA children’s bunk beds. I’m 6’4″ and ‘big for my age.’ Needless to say I didn’t spend a lot of time in the bed. In total there were 12 writers in the store, and I would be damned if I was going to be the one who didn’t get something completed. By the end of the 72 hours I had written about 30,000 words. It became the foundation that I built my novel Crossbow around. You can see some of the video on my website at http://www.gordonkirkland.com/television.html.
Enjoyed the clips. Thanks.
Which one’s Kathy Bates? Is she the one that collects all the stuff and makes it exactly perfectly like the ones in the books, not just the dimensions but everything, and then sends photos to Paul? Or am I barking up the wrong tree?
Ooh, stalkers are creepy. I have a couple of blog stalkers, who follow me and have done since I first started my blog, and have occasionally ‘liked’ a post, but have never commented and so to this day I’m not really sure who they are. But I don’t have any real-life stalkers, thank goodness!
The one who has shown up at several appearances in various cities in the US, sent emails offering to perform certain services in my hotel room (the kind you don’t stay married for 38 years if you accept, so you know I’m not talking about changing the linens and putting new bottles of shampoo in the room), took my then 15-year-old son out to lunch while I was teaching a workshop at a writer’s conference, sent him gifts, and who called my house one day, promptimg an immediate switch to an unlisted number. Creepy enough for you? My wife, who met her once, gets the willies at the mention of her.