What If…
This month I have a question for you all. I hope thinking about it will give you a chance to also be a bit (OK – a lot) more prepared than I was,
What would you do if you suddenly had to stop writing and marketing your books?
I’m sure many of you read that and thought, “Well that’s a silly question. I don’t plan on ever stopping writing and marketing my books.” Until a couple of weeks ago I would have thought the same thing, and then I had to stop writing and marketing.
As some of you are aware I am what is called an “incomplete paraplegic.” My wife says, “Typical man, never finishng anything he starts.” What that means is when I suffered a spinal cord injury in 1990, I was left with some residual mobility. I spent a few years in a wheelchair, and then learned how to “walk” on crutches clipped to my forearms. For the past five years I have been hoping for five more years of being out of a wheelchair. Over the last several months I have known that the time was drawing near. I focussed all my energy on going on a last walking vacation with my wife in March because she despirately needed the R&R.
On our way home I collapsed in the airplane. It turns out that had nothing to do with the paraplegia, and that I have another rather serious condition on top of that. I entered hospital when we got back home, and I have been there sinse. It took 10 days and just about every test in the book including ultrasounds (I’m not pregnant by the way, I just look that way), CT scans, X-rays, and enough blood tests to feed a family of vampires for a month. Thank goodness I live in Canada and there will be no bill waiting for me at the end of my stay. We finally got the diagnosis confirmed. It was totally unexpected, and I am still not processing it all that well. In the meantime, I stil have to prepare for the rest of my life in a wheelchair. I will be in hospital for the next several weeks learning all that.
As a result, I am not in a situation condusive to writing. There are constantly alarms and other distractions in the background, and it’s hard to maintain my train of thought for more than a few words at a time. I’m not able to manage my book marketing program from here, so I am seeing my sales dropping as well.
So, what would you do if you found yourself in this predicament? How would you handle it? It’s something I wish I had thought about before I ended up here. I am usually pretty good about planning for contingencies, but this one slipped through the cracks. As I often tell attendees at writer’s conferences, “Those who fail to plan, plan to fail.” I’m eating my words now, for failing to plan for this.
I hope you will learn from my mistake.
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I apologize if this is a bit disjointed and I have missed some punctuation etc. I made a commitment to DeeDee and you all that I would write something for the third Friday of every month, I did not want to let her or you down. As a result, I have written this on my smartphone with one finger. Autocorrect helped except when it tried to change ‘vacation’ to ‘Vatican!’
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(D. D. here):
Okay, Y’All…It’s time to share with our superfab Gordon a bit of the kinds of humor he always makes us LOL with! 
So, here’s something a wee bit different for The WG2E, but something I think will be a bit of great “therapy” for all of us…
Let’s keep Gordon full of smiles during his hospital stay and let him know how much we’re all there for him…cheering him on to getting to go home!!!
How?
Let’s hear your best joke and or best smart ass something…and yep, naughty versions are allowed too…
I’ll start with one of my best Bitchy Signs…this one’s for you, Gordon…the best of well wishes to you, my friend:
Oh hell…I luuuvvv Gordon…so here’s another one for ya, my friend:
And I tell ya what else I’m gonna do…
All of you c’mon over to The WG2E’s Sister Site – The RG2E - this coming Sunday, and we’ll be Ebook Gifting (up to 50 copies) of your choice of Gordon Kirkland’s LMAO Books…let’s see if we can’t boost his sales a bit…
All of us here at The WG2E love you, Gordon, and are here for you!!! — D. D. Scott
Okay, WG2E-Land Peeps…let’s give our best jokes, humorous anecdotes and/or bitchy signs (just leave the links to the signs in our comments and I’ll start copy and pasting ‘em into our post)…
I don’t have any “bitchy signs,” but just want you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you each & every day, Gordon.
My husband was an incomplete quad for the three years prior to his death. I’d be happy to commit to helping your promo efforts, Gordon, and am sending best wishes for the outcome of your current challenges. If I learned anything when my husband was injured, it was that help comes from the people you least expect.
http://bit.ly/JriPnp
My thoughts are with you, Gordon. I am not sure how I’d handle it if something happened that I couldn’t write anymore. I think I’d be totally upset. Writing for me helps me to forget other situations in my life that are causing stress and anxiety. When I worked, it helped me to forget about the stress and hassles I was getting there. I love writing, as sure I know you do, so… Good luck, Gordon, and hope that you get better soon and get conducive to writing again.
This is an important message for us all. Thank you Gordon for sharing your personal struggle with us all. All my best;
Jo-Anne Russell
P.S.
Don’t look now, but something just moved from under your bed…
Gordon,
You are living my nightmare but you are blessed with a great wife. A partner is someone you can count on to be there. Many of us are completely alone and that is a terrifying thing at times.
Now… remembering a joke. Hmm… That’s a toughie. I can remember every telephone number I’ve ever heard, but I can’t remember a single joke. There must be a name for my affliction. Hang on and I’ll see if I can find a joke around here. I must have written down at least one. ???
Cheers to you, my friend!
Just know that your WG2E Family is here for you, and we’re gonna help you keep all your superfab books flyin’ off cyber shelves…starting this weekend when I Ebook Gift 50 of ‘em at RG2E!!!
We’re all here to help you anyway we can…whether it’s spreadin’ our love for your books, sharing great jokes, Bitchy Signs Galore and/or tons of cyber hugs too!
We love you and are sending great wishes into the universe right now…can you hear ‘em? No, not all my four-letter rants, my sweet healing thoughts…
Hi Gordon,
I’m back. I can’t seem to find a joke around here anywhere. They must be stuck in the vacuum cleaner. I did find lovely bit of inspiration…
“Imagination is the true magic carpet.”
Norman Vincent Peale
I hope you get to take a magic carpet ride today… even for a short jaunt.
Barbara
The first joke I ever really loved was this:
What do a Grehound and a bald man have in common?
The both make a little Hare/Hair go a long way.
I’m afraid my jokes haven’t got better over the years so I’ll leave it at that.
Take care, Gordon. I hope you find smiles in every day.
Ah, Gordon – I so hate you’re having to go through this. I’ve been there – perhaps not the same issues – but stuck in a stinkin’ hospital room for six weeks – you’re right, you can’t do anything such as writing. But this too will pass. And you’re so lucky to have no bill at the end of your stay – I had a $135,000 staring me in the face at the end of mine. . .
We miss you and your humor – get back to work will ya?
Well, bitchy sign won’t c/p – just my luck! LOL!
wow, first off, best wishes and my awe at your great attitude gordon!
mine’s not a joke, but i’ve always thought, if i had to be in a wheelchair, i’d like to have a pennant or flag with something cute or funny on it, on a little pole attached to the back of my chair
take care
Gordon, Sending my best wishes & know your humor & your wife will be immensely helpful.
Here’s a blonde joke—
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, ‘What’s the story?’
He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’
She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’
Lol! (Really!) Nice one, Ruth
I loves me some blonde jokes.
Ruth,
Your joke cracked me up!
Thanks!
LMBO!
I’m not good at telling jokes, but I’m sending you many hugs and good wishes, Gordon. My husband recently went through two rounds of confusing, upsetting and all around WTF hospitals stays that threw me and our businesses into chaos, so I completely understand.
Yay, D.D., for the RG2E Sunday feature! In addition to that I will put out a call to my street team and to others for an ongoing tweet drive to promo Gordon’s books.
You’re not alone, Gordon!
Hi, Gordon! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I don’t think you can plan for everything, no matter how prepared/type-A you are. I did read a book where the author outsourced his correspondence to India. His Indian receptionists took his phone calls and answered his email. He even had his Indian secretary send his wife flowers with a sweet note when he made a mistake. Sometimes I’ve thought about doing just that. Except I don’t have a wife. (Um, that’s the best joke I’ve got this morning.)
Gordon, I’m an OCD planning witch when it comes to my writing, so I totally get why you’re asking us what we’d do if something similar happened to us. My humor sucks, too, by the way, and it’s fairly dark. So the only thing I can think is that the gods have played a dirty trick on you. Now it’s time to turn the tables right back around and kick their butts. Find a way to keep writing, my friend. You’re part of this incredibly supportive WG2E community, so pull us around you, one-by-one, or collectively. Hugs
So . . . this cat dies (forgive me anyone like myself who loves animals) and went to heaven and God asks, “You’ve been so good. What would you like?” The cat says, “A bunch of mice.” Next thing, Heaven’s overrun with beautiful mice.
Then . . . being so fair about things, God asks the mice, “What would you like?” In their squeaky little voices, “We’d love some roller skates.” (Imagine them all roller skating around on their little inlines!).
God revisits the cat. “Why are you smiling?”
Cat (rubbing its tummy and lickin’ its whiskers): “Lord, thank ya for the meals on wheels!”
I wasn’t the one sick, Gordon, but the last few months I’ve been preoccupied with unhealthy parents and siblings. I just took a trip down to see them to assess damage. No writing. It sucks.
I’m glad you and your wife were able to get one last nice vacation in before the cruel reality of your condition reared its ugly head.
A funny? Here’s one from the kid say the darndest things pile: Yesterday, getting ready to go to the lab for my bloodwork I brushed my teeth in front of my toddler like always. She had her toothbrush and I had the Sonicare I share with the hubby (different toothbrush heads, we’re not gross people). Without skipping a beat after she spit, she looked at me, and in her little sing-songy voice with a splash of confidence she says “Robot. Robot toothbrush.” Personally, I think Philips should reconsider their product name from the vague Sonicare to Robot Toothbrush.
And on the subject of what I would do? I think you’re doing it, kind of. Reach out to your author friends. That’s what we’re here for. If the third Friday gets too hectic, ask someone to guest post your post. Totally fine and happens all the time. Maybe ask your wife, I bet he has tons of interesting insight on what it’s like to live with people like us….
Take care of yourself and while we all have to play the cards we are dealt, I won’t say anything if you keep an Ace up your sleeve….
I heard this years ago from my wife, of all people. Not sure where she heard it, but it still makes me laugh.
A smart man goes fishing:
Three guys are out in a boat, fishing on a Sunday morning.
The first guy says, “I had to paint the bathroom AND put up new curtains yesterday, just so I could come fish today.”
The second guy says, “I had to do all the yard-work, AND promise to be nice to my mother-in-law for a whole month!”
The third guy just shakes his head and smiles. After minute of ribbing from his buddies, he says, “I woke my wife up at 4 AM and said, ‘Either have sex with me right now, or I’m going fishing.’ She turned over, kissed me, and said, ‘Don’t forget your hat.’
Of course, Gordon would have gotten some lovin’, gone fishing, AND written a funny essay about it! Cheers, Brother! Be well!
Greg
So sorry to hear that, Gordon. Sending you lots of healing and positive vibes!
I think you should try and look at this in a positive way, instead of a negative. It could be that something amazing comes out of the situation you’re in now, you just don’t know it yet – maybe an idea for a book based on your situation that will become a bestseller!
OK, now for some doctor jokes to cheer you up… here are 3 things you DON’T want the doctor to be saying, Gordon!
1) ‘So, if this is the kidney and that’s the liver…what the hell is THIS?’
2) “Quick – Who’s got page 10 of this operation manual?”
3) ‘Shoo, you stupid dog, come back with that piece, it’s not your dinner!’
Gordon, my best wishes are with you!
The most amazing thing here, and one of which you and your wife can be proud, is that you are having trouble writing, and yet, you made the Herculean effort to write this post…to help other people. You didn’t say, “What do I do?’ You said, “What would you do?” Only someone who truly cares about others would have that perspective.
D.D., I’m sometimes careful with the audiences for this joke, but it is my favorite, and I’ll trust your wisdom on it helping Gordon in some way.
There’s a flood.
An old man is standing in the street and the water is up to his knees. A neighbor comes along on a raft and says, “Come on, old man, we’ve got to get you out of here.”
The old man replies, “No, I trust in God.”
The rafter leaves.
A while later, the water is up to the old man’s hips. A stranger comes along in a canoe. “Come on, old man, we’ve got to get you out of here.”
Again, the old man says, “No, I trust in God.’
Later on, the water is up to the old man’s chin. A rescue crew comes down in a helicopter, and they yell over the loudspeaker, “Come on, old man, we’ve got to get you out of here.”
The old man repeats, “No, I trust in God.”
The old man drowns.
Now, he is at the Pearly Gates. The old man says, “You know, St. Peter, I don’t understand this. I’m a good Christian.”
St. Peter says, “We don’t understand it, either. We sent you two boats and a helicopter…”
Funny! Bufo. Making my Friday!
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, Gordon. It is beautiful how you can keep your spirits up as you are clearly doing. I would like to think that I would be able to do the same were I in your situation. Happily, we don’t have to actually, physically write down our stories to necessary enjoy them. I have to admit, I have occupied myself happily for an hour or more just telling myself a story in my own head — once a writer always a writer even if I’m not actually writing.
I’m afraid I don’t have any jokes, but I do have some great sayings I can share:
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” — George Carlin
“Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.” — Ashleigh Brilliant
“Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.”
“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
And one my daughter told me last night: If a vegetarian is someone who eats vegetables, what’s a humanitarian? :-0
Keep smiling!
Merry, as a vegetarian, I can say I enjoyed those.
I also remember one of the comedians (unfortunately, I don’t remember which one) talking about being out wearing a leather jacket. Someone approaches the jacket wearer and says accusingly, ‘Did you know a cow died to make that coat?” The comedian responded, “Yes, and I didn’t know there were any witnesses…now I’ll have to kill you, too.”
LOL!!! Good one!!!
Gordon: Sending you hugs and love. We’ll definitely spread the word about your books. You have friends — worry not.
Have you thought about dictating? Just a little handheld recorder, and you could be good to go. But for now, maybe the universe is telling you to rest for a bit.
Here is my funny — a medical joke, at that! A little black humor for your situation:
A man goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him he has a terrible condition, and will need a brain transplant. “So here are your options,” says the doc. “I can get you a man’s brain, or a woman’s brain. Which do you prefer?”
“What’s the difference?” the man asks.
“Well, the man’s brain is $2 million, and the woman’s brain is only $1 million.”
“Because guys are smarter?” asks the man, smiling for the first time since he heard the diagnosis.
“No,” says the doc. “Because a woman’s brain has been used.”
Gotcha!
Your comments are all just superfab!!!
Let’s keep the Goodwill Gordon Express rollin’ across our cyber tracks, Y’All!!!
We can all find sooo much strength in each other! And that’s what building a community – like we’re doin’ here at The WG2E – is all about!!!
So what would I do? Perhaps now’s a good time to catch up on reading, sicne you can’t write or market… or dreaming – I’ve alwyas been one to turn tot he daydreasm, sometimes silly and sometimes not – who know it could end up your next book when you finally get back to the whole writing thing. :}
Hm… now for some hmor. I’ll take a page from E.A. West and ‘kids say the darndest things’…
I brought up the laundry and had my itamates sitting on top of the basket as I started to fold. In comes my son, his boisterous self, and despite my asking him repeatedly to leave. he keeps handing my bras to me. Finally when they are all folded he gets down and grins at me. “I just wanted to do the boobs,” he says as he leaves…
Yup, he’s his father’s son alright.
Many well wishes to you and may the ink soon flow from your pen and the words on to the screen in less time than you think!
:} Cathryn
Gordon, your message has been received loud and clear. And I’m going to act on it.
Thank you for reminding us of the immediacy of today.
God bless you. Your bravery and wisdom are an inspiration.
Sparkles for you, Gordon.
and a couple of not so ‘clean’ jokes.
My fave of all time…
*Where do purple sperm come from?
**Grape nuts.
And my second fave…
*Do you know what Jello really is?
**Kool-Aid with a hard on.
(Okay, I’m a lunch lady so I really like food jokes. AND my hometown is the birth place of Kool-Aid. So, there ya go.)
No jokes here but wanted to say I admire the tenacity with which you go on.
After being hit by a drunk driver I was left with damage to my spinal cord, however not so severe yet in that I’m a lucky one. It’s degenerative now so I know it’s only a matter of time, but for me, writing is all I have left that I can do. To lose it would be a living hell.
I’ll share your post, twitter it away as much as possible when I remember through the “fog”.
Be strong my friend. #4Gordon and to Eden Conner for having the heart to share.
Yours,
Gina
Gordon, as a physiotherapist by day, and writer by night, I can appreciate both issues of adapting to life in a wheelchair, and the driving need to continue with a writing career. Given the hospital scenario, ( and yes! thank goodness for the Canadian health care system re financial coverage) maybe the universe is offering up this environment to you, as an opportunity to gather some new material for another super-fab book from you.
On a personal note, I am being investigated for possible causes of blurred vision ( A frightful prospect for a writer!!) but what this ordeal has done for me, is to get rid of any procrastination in my writing (gotta get my trilogy DONE – book 2 nearly finished) so there has been an upside to it. Always a silver lining if we squint hard enough…
And now for the jokes! (warning: SO not politically correct!)
1. A man was hospitalized in an American Catholic hospital and was being interviewed by a nun with regards to his discharge planning. “Do you have private health insurance with which to pay your bill?” she asked him. He replied that he did not. “Personal cheque?” He stated that he was broke. “Family or relatives who could pay your bill?”, to which he replied, ” I have only one living relative and she is a spinster nun, so not likely.” The nun interviewing him took offense to this and said,” We nuns are NOT spinsters. We are married to God!” to which the man smiled and replied, ” Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
2. A woman in a supermarket had 6 items at the check-out: a container of milk, a brick of cheese, a bag of apples, some butter, a loaf of bread, and a box of macaroni. A smelly, disheveled drunk standing in line behind her said, “I betcha you’re single.” The woman looked at him and then looked over her purchases and was surprised and a little impressed that he could surmise that just from seeing her groceries, since she was indeed single. She felt badly for having judged him so harshly on a first impression, so she asked him, “How could you have possibly have known that?” to which the swaying drunk replied, ” ‘Cause you’re ugly.
Take care, Gordon!!
Gordon! You are my hero. I can’t even type with five fingers on my silly phone! Now *that* is an accomplishment.
Thinking of you and your family and sending lots of ‘get well soons’ from London, from one Canadian to another!
Gordon, I am so impressed you managed to write that on your smart phone! I can barely manage a simple text. I am so sorry for what you’re going through but I admire your amazing attitude. You will be in my prayers and I’ll do whatever I can to share the links to your books. I can never think of a joke when I want to. And even if I remembered it, I’d probably get the punchline wrong. So just know that you are in my thoughts and I’m sending you my best wishes!
My prayers are with you Gordon and a big cyber hug!
God speed, Gordon. I know your great sense of humor will serve you well. I had a rough trip with my parents health for several years before they passed with in months of each other. I couldn’t do the work I had been doing in order to take care of them so I found something else to do, I wrote. Life can give you so many large bumps in the road, you can stop went confronted by them or plow right over. This is a tight community, we’re here for you.
Gordon, another story…I don’t know if it’s true or not, actually. I was told it was originally, but it might really be just a training parable.
There was a CEO who had an ear chewed off by dog when the CEO was a child. This CEO was looking to have Human Resources hire someone who could think outside the box.
So, at the end of each interview, the CEO would go into the interview and ask if the interviewee noticed anything unusual about the CEO.
Most people either froze and said, “No, no, nothing!” or bluntly said, “You only have one ear.”
That wasn’t what the CEO wanted, so they were having trouble hiring someone. Human Resources finally told the CEO that they thought they had a really good candidate. The CEO went into the interview.
CEO: “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”
Interviewee: “Yes, you’re wearing contacts.”
That was something different, and the CEO was pleased, so they hired the candidate.
A few weeks later, the CEO bumped into the new employee in the hall.
CEO: “How are things going?”
New employee: “Just fine, thanks.”
CEO: “I’ve been meaning to ask you…in the interview, how did you know I was wearing glasses?”
New employee: “You can’t wear glasses, you only have one ear…”
===
Here’s another old joke with a similarly time-delayed punchline.
A border guard is at the station, and a kid comes up riding a bicycle. On the bicycle are two bags, and the border guard inspects them….they are just full of sand. Even though the border guard is suspicious, there aren’t any grounds to hold the traveler, so the kid rides through.
This goes on every day for weeks. Despite all possible inspection of the bags, and even trying to analyze the sand, nothing…it seems to be just sand.
Years later, the border guard has retired and bumps into the (now adult) kid.
Retired border guard: “I remember you! You were the kid with the bags of sand! I’m retired now, so you can’t get in trouble. It’s been driving me crazy all these years…I know you were smuggling something. You have to tell me what it was!”
The smuggler smiles and says, “Bicycles…”
Gordon – you definitely are not alone. The WG2E community is right there with you. I’ll be tweeting and FBing on Sunday like crazy when DeeDee puts your book(s) up on the RG2E!
(Sorry, I’m terrible at jokes!)
Gordon- we love you and support you:) All my thoughts and prayers are with you:)
Gordon- sending tons of love and positive energy your way!!
Thank you all so much. I am speechless at the response.CD and really appreciate the good wishes and the jokes. It was a day brightener on a day that REALLY needed brightening.?
It’s normally my habit to respond to everyone individually, but this typing with one finger is a bit nuts.
I am doing OK. I knew this day was coming and that I’d be back in the chair. I fully accepted it and was ready for this transition. The second diagnosis was totally unexpected and I’m not handling it so well. I will get there but for now I am putting it in thfe background because I was running on overload.
Again, thank you all.
If, for some reason I couldn’t write, I would spend time telling stories into a tape recorder and if I couldn’t tell stories I would spend time reading and if I couldn’t read, I would listen to audiobooks and if I couldn’t do that I would watch old movies and if I couldn’t do that I would…think of something else…
Blessings and here’s your get-out-of-the-hospital-and-back-to-writing card!
I’m so saddened to hear this.
I know we’re all pulling for you.
At least you live in Canada and won’t have to sell your house to pay the medical bills. Sorry. That’s as close as I can get to humor after reading your post.
Wishing you the best, Gordon.
Gordon,
I just was in such a routine, I was on autopilot!
I don’t need jokes, I am a walking joke book. (No, I am not even blond!) Example: For a few years I put on a DVD, put my wireless headphones on and worked out on my elliptical machine religiously, a regular routine for me. Then I discovered one day I could enlarge the text on my Kindle big enough to read while working out instead of watching TV. So I go about my routine, put my shoes on, get my water bottle handy, enlarge my text, put my headphones on and get on with my workout. My stepdaughter walks by and gives me a funny look. Then my hubby comes by and taps me on the shoulder. I stop, take the headphones off. He then asks me why I am using the TV headphones when the TV is off. There you go–clueless me!
I hope that made you smile because that still cracks me up. I figure for the smiles you have given me, I could share a little embarrassment to give you a grin in return. Thoughts and prayers are with you,
Mary
All creatures are slaves to habit. My buddy Dave Barry, who says he and I are maturity impaired talks about the aftermath of Hurricane Andrew. It tore an enclosed patio of the back of his house, leaving just the door frame and screen door to the yard still standing. After the storm passed he let the dogs out. The ran to the door and sat down,waiting for him to open the door as always even though they could have simply walked around it.
Thanks for the smile. It sounds like something I would do… except for that exercise part.
Gordon
Dear Gordon,
All we can do is our best with whatever situation we find ourselves in. I’m sure you are doing your best and it sounds like you have a lovely wife by your side who loves you very much. If you’re a guest contributor on this blog, then you have my respect. Keep your dobber up. (Not sure what that is. I think it’s the sink stopper pully thing, at least I hope that’s what it is!)
Hope each day gets better for you, friend.
Nancy Jill
“My friends think I suffer from a writing addiction. But they’re wrong. I enjoy every minute of it.”
Paraphrased from another quote, of course, but I still love it
I can link you to several highly amusing YouTube videos, too, if anyone is interested.